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A Cup of Encouragement
#1
He restores my soul. Psalm 23:3

"What a beautiful reception," I thought as I flipped through the recently developed stack of photographs.

There was my newly married niece, her face flushed with happiness. There was her new husband, beaming and proud. There were the children, dressed up and excited, and the older ladies beaming with satisfaction at another wedding in the family.

And there I was in my white Battenburg lace dress - looking pretty good, if I did say so myself.

I should have looked good. I had poured a lot of effort into pulling myself together perfectly for the occasion, paying special attention to my hair, my hose, my shoes, my bag. Trying so hard to get everything just exactly right so that my elderly auntie, for once, would have nothing to criticize.

Well, I finally did it, I thought as I flipped another picture. There was my aunt sitting at ther table with a big smile on her face. My smile was big, too, as I remembered it. For the first time in my memory, she hadn't said a single critical word about how I was dressed or how my makeup looked or anything else. I talked to her on the phone several times since then, and she still hadn't made a negative comment.

I glanced at the clock. I really needed to call her again. She was very independent, even in her eighties, but I still tired to check on her every day or two.

Auntie was in a wonderful mood when she answered the phone. She had gotten her pictures, too. So we reminisced about the ceremony, speculated on how the new couple would get along, and replayed the events of the reception.

"And, oh, Emilie," she enthused, "you looked just beautiful."

By now I was actually grinning. This almost too good to be true.

And then she added in a thoughtful voice, "Emilie... you really need to consider getting a padded bra."

Zing. I could feel my grin slipping down to the flour, that old familiar knot thightening my stomach.

I should have seen it coming, of course. It was only the hundred-millionth time she had doen that to me. (I was beginning to realize that she did it with everyone she loved.) But that didn't keep the words from stining - as they always stung. With one little remark, my auntie had managed once more to fill my cup with criticism.

Do you know somebody like that, who seems to delight in pouring closes of criticism? If you don't, just wait a little bit, and one will almost certainly come knocking at your door. Someone who excels in bowling over your confidence with just a word or a look.

It may be direct, overt, controlling:
"You shouldn't pick up the baby when he cries."
"I'm afraid blue just isn't your colour."
"Thank you, but it's just not our style. I know you won't mind if I return it."

No matter how the criticism is poured, the message is clear. You did it wrong. Your efforts just don't measure up. You just aren't good enough... smart enough.... pretty enough.

It's hard to live freely and creatively and lovingly with that kind of criticism. it's hard to risk flying high when you're always afraid of being shot down. I know, because my critical auntie had peen pouring out caustic cupfuls for me ever since I could remember...


And how did I respond?
For years, I just tried harder.
I spent so much of my life in a constant struggle to live up to my aunt's impossible standards.

I would visit the hairdress and have my nails done before a visit. She would give me the number of her hairdress and manicurist.

I would choose my words and my grammar with care, tyring so hard not to say antying wrong. She would still find something to criticize.

And then it finally hit me.
All my life I had been holding out my cup to my auntie, waiting for her to fill it with encouragement and praise. And she couldn't do it! Her own cup was too full of a critical spirit to pour anything different into mine. Holding up a bigger or better or more beautiful cup wasn't going to make any difference. And Satan was still using her poured-out criticism to make me feel inadequate and insecure and thus damage my ability to share Christ's love.

.... cont.



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#2
If I wanted my cup to hold anything other than criticism, I neede to stop hold it out to my auntie so trustingly. Whe she poured the ciritcism in anyway - as she was bound to do - I needed to take what I could learn from her critical words and then dump the bitter brew down the drain.

But it wasn't enough just to empty my cup. If I did, my aunt or someone else would fill it up again. What I needed to do was to keep my cup filled with love and acceptance and affirmation and encouragement from a dependable Source. I had to decide who I wanted to listen to - who was going to have power over me. And making that decision is what would enable me to empty out the criticism, wash out the cup, and then get it refilled form God's bubbling bounty of encouragement.

That, graduallyu, was what I learned to do. But it didn't happen all at once. It took a lot of time and practice and prayer. That particular painful afternoon, God and I had already been working onthis process of emptying anf filling for several years.

What did I do in response to her criticism?
I thanked my aunt for the idea. (I hadn't worn a padded bra since high school.) Then I pictured myself slowly turning over that cup of criticism and pouring it out, wiping it clean, holding it up again. And I prayed, Please, Lord, fill my cup with your love. Let me respond to her criticism with gentleness. Enven though she fills my cup with criticism, let me fill her cup with encouragement.

And, please, Lord,
I added don't ever let me act like that to others. Teach me to see and express only what is good and healthy in my friends and family.

A sip of encouragement

Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in the power of your hand to do so. Proverbs 3:27

Judge not, and you shal not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Luke 6:37

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.
Romans 8:1

:hartlik:


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#3
Hi Rita

Thank you for sharing this. Jesus always left those he met, feeling better about themselves. he saw the best in them and told them so....

The tongue has the ability to deliver a fatal blow....

Sue
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#4
Thanks for that Pronks.....:hug:

I needed that - today is an exceedingly hard day for me, my eyes are leaking like you won't believe...reflecting and trying to handle things by myself - juggling and trying to run a home, also trying to view homes to buy, trying to please all and sundry, trying to be a support for my hubby and son, just trying to do alles...... :innocent: :mmm:

life is certainly a rollercoaster for me at the moment....so please send a hug my way....... :thumbs:
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#5
So interesting to read and reminded me so much of my first mother in law - nothing her daughter or I ever did was right or good enough, and as I was much younger and much cheekier then I knew that come a time I was going to say something that I was going to regret.

So I had a chat to my dad about it and he gave me some wonderful advice.

About three days later we were painting the inside walls of our house and she came to visit. As soon as she walked into the house and saw the colours she started. So taking my dad's advice, I thanked her for her oppinion but reminded her that it was our home and that I did not enter her home and start comenting, therefore we did not mind suggestions but if all she could do was criticise then it would be appreciated if they could be left on the door step when she came in. (I wish I could show you the total picture of delight that appeared on my father in laws face - he had to go into the garden in case he laughed out loud inside). Never again did she criticise in our home.

Speaking to my dad later about what I had done, he said a funny thing to me, inthat he said that I had always had faith and by doing what I did in the manner that I did it without raising my voice or losing my temper showed that I had been guided through it. My late dad hardly ever discussed religion, so this really surprised me coming from him.

Icecub I'm thinking of you - big hug coming your way.
Always enjoy life - and remember there is always someone worse off than yourself - treat others as you yourself would want to be treated.
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#6
Oom Rob Wrote:So interesting to read and reminded me so much of my first mother in law - nothing her daughter or I ever did was right or good enough, and as I was much younger and much cheekier then I knew that come a time I was going to say something that I was going to regret.

So I had a chat to my dad about it and he gave me some wonderful advice.

About three days later we were painting the inside walls of our house and she came to visit. As soon as she walked into the house and saw the colours she started. So taking my dad's advice, I thanked her for her oppinion but reminded her that it was our home and that I did not enter her home and start comenting, therefore we did not mind suggestions but if all she could do was criticise then it would be appreciated if they could be left on the door step when she came in. (I wish I could show you the total picture of delight that appeared on my father in laws face - he had to go into the garden in case he laughed out loud inside). Never again did she criticise in our home.

Speaking to my dad later about what I had done, he said a funny thing to me, inthat he said that I had always had faith and by doing what I did in the manner that I did it without raising my voice or losing my temper showed that I had been guided through it. My late dad hardly ever discussed religion, so this really surprised me coming from him.

Icecub I'm thinking of you - big hug coming your way.


i am going to take your advice..as we currently having problems with my sister in law..regarding my late father in law's estate.... :dazed: ... going to say a few things when i see her next month....:thumbs:

i wish i had seen your father in law's face....but good for you....:thumbs:

Rob..thanks for you know what - which came into my inbox yesterday...:hug: and thanks for the hug....(9mwah))
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#7
There is a saying : Sometimes it is better to be kind that to be right. There is a place to be honest and direct and make our feelings know.... truth hurts, but love cushions it.

:hartlik:
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#8
Icecub Wrote:Thanks for that Pronks.....:hug:

I needed that - today is an exceedingly hard day for me, my eyes are leaking like you won't believe...reflecting and trying to handle things by myself - juggling and trying to run a home, also trying to view homes to buy, trying to please all and sundry, trying to be a support for my hubby and son, just trying to do alles...... :innocent: :mmm:

life is certainly a rollercoaster for me at the moment....so please send a hug my way....... :thumbs:


Sorry to hear it is tough going Cubbie. May your cup be filled with peace when you offer it to Him to be filled. Have that expectation that He will.

.... and here comes a :hugs: your way!
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