Coping with loss from afar

[New Beginning]

I am sure there are others out there who have had to cope with the loss of a loved one from afar. To start at the beginning. I lost my eldest brother in a freak air crash 30 June 04. I had only just returned from SA, having spent 3 weeks with him over there. I went over for 2 weeks for the funeral and the like, but I have not been able to come to terms with his loss. My other brother, who used to see him every day (they both had businesses at Lanseria airport), has accepted it all. I sometimes think it is because I'm so far away that I tell myself it is not really true and in this way push it to the back of mind until it surfaces again. How on earth am I going to come to accept it all? I think my husband feels a bit helpless at times like these. :wall: Any help out there?

[Venus]

I'm so sorry for your loss. :hug: I have experienced similar feelings over the death of my gran. I wasn't able to attend her funeral & it's hard to accept that she is gone. I understand what you are going through. It's probably a good idea to share how you are feeling with other people. :lovef:

[Icecub]

I am sure there are others out there who have had to cope with the loss of a loved one from afar. To start at the beginning. I lost my eldest brother in a freak air crash 30 June 04. I had only just returned from SA, having spent 3 weeks with him over there. I went over for 2 weeks for the funeral and the like, but I have not been able to come to terms with his loss. My other brother, who used to see him every day (they both had businesses at Lanseria airport), has accepted it all. I sometimes think it is because I'm so far away that I tell myself it is not really true and in this way push it to the back of mind until it surfaces again. How on earth am I going to come to accept it all? I think my husband feels a bit helpless at times like these. :wall: Any help out there?

So sorry about your loss New Beginning :hug: yes i have experienced it too, in 2001 i was in SA when my Dad passed away, i consider myself lucky to have spent the last few days with him, but then i had to come home and move house, which was very very traumatic...dealing with grief from far is not a nice thing, to this day i am still battling to get over his death and time only heals - give yourself time - it will not happen overnight!

Do you think you might want to chat to a bereavement counsellor - sometimes it helps to talk to a stranger.

If you want to chat, feel free to pm me. :hug:

[TracyW]

I'm so sorry for your loss. :hug: I have experienced similar feelings over the death of my gran. I wasn't able to attend her funeral & it's hard to accept that she is gone. I understand what you are going through. It's probably a good idea to share how you are feeling with other people. :lovef:

NB like the others I am sorry to hear of your loss. I lost one of my best friends at the end of last year and could not attend the funeral, like you I have felt this loss very hard to cope with. Silly things like not deleting any emails I still have in my in box from him, to taking his phone number off my mobile. I am sure that when I have come to terms with it I will get there but I am taking it one day at a time. I think if you are feeling that it is not getting better then I agree with the idea of getting bereavement counselling. Also it's important to remember that you and your brother will deal with it differently and I am sure it has nothing to do with the fact of him having been around your brother more.

Take care . :hug:

[sunny]

I am sure there are others out there who have had to cope with the loss of a loved one from afar. To start at the beginning. I lost my eldest brother in a freak air crash 30 June 04. I had only just returned from SA, having spent 3 weeks with him over there. I went over for 2 weeks for the funeral and the like, but I have not been able to come to terms with his loss. My other brother, who used to see him every day (they both had businesses at Lanseria airport), has accepted it all. I sometimes think it is because I'm so far away that I tell myself it is not really true and in this way push it to the back of mind until it surfaces again. How on earth am I going to come to accept it all? I think my husband feels a bit helpless at times like these. :wall: Any help out there?

Very sorry about ur loss NB :hug: .. Time will do it ;-) ... Some just need longer. Give yourself as long as u need. It probably is the distance that has kept it going longer .. but you'll get there eventually. My BIL was murdered in SA and I was here. It was very traumatic and what made it worse was to know how my sister (his wife) was battling all alone .. no siblings near by to comfort her. But she has started to move on now (it's 3 yrs this month) .. and you will too. Hang in there ... talking and crying about it is theraputic ;-)

[Almitra]

New Beginning .............
So sorry to read about your loss !!

Coping with death is different with each individual - there are 5 or 6 stages of mourning, as I recall - but none of us deal with that stages the same.
First is shock, second is not wanting to acknowledge - like as in trying to think if you're not thinking about it, it might just get better (which is not gonna happen for sure!), grieving, etc, where the last stage is accepting it, dealing with it and moving on. And I must add - time is not the best healer, as many might think - sometimes time can make it worse if matters are not dealt with.

While some might, for instance - experience stage 3, others might go through stage 5 at the time - or vice versa. You may think your brother has dealt with it very well, but sometimes people keep up appearances to look quite 'over it' - not to look weak, or to help their families keeping sane, etc. -
none of us experience grief in the same way or order - like a prescription to work through and then you'll be cured ..........??

Not gonna go into details on an open forum - but I went through a horrific experience many moons ago - and up till this day I KNOW I have never dealt with it "properly', so to speak - wanted to be strong to be able to 'cope' with it, for me and my family's sake, etc .......... 10 years on I ended up at a psycholigist for totally 'different' reasons - and that was the first time I ever 'really' spoke to someone about my loss. As a result I went for hypnosis - a very light form where one still knows exactly what your saying and doing, but kind of being unable to hold back emotions, grief and sorrow - and it meant the world to me !!! Just being able to talk, telling someone not that close to you that you might never even meet again - does wonders for the soul !! It seems when talking to loved ones or family that one just 'upsets' them all over again by mentioning it, but at the same time you have so many things inside which you want to shout out !!

So I can really recommend seeing someone for a period of time - not thinking you are weak to need someone - but to regain your own courage and peace .......

To be honest and without looking for sympathy - the death of someone so close to you can really never be totally 'overcome' - but going through the motions might just help you to stay sane (a little .......... :-) )

Be thankful that you were able to spend time with him, cherish your memories, speak to him whenever you miss him - and you're even allowed to be angry at him sometimes for leaving too soon .........

For you being so far away, I cannot even imagine how much more difficult that becomes - but please don't try to do this on your own - talking to your husband might seem to be opening up all the raw emotions again - that's why I suggest you get help from 'outside' - and as frightful as it may seem at first to talk to a 'stranger' - that is just one of the stages that can help you to find your 'New Beginning' ........


Good luck and wishing you all of the best !!!

:lovef:

[Oom Rob]

Am very sorry NB to hear that you are going through this - we have lost loved ones and family overseas and it is hard to come to terms with. When my dad in law passed away in 2001 (he and I were very close) my wife and daughter went across for his funeral - but I found it very difficult to accept. I have now, but it took time.

Life is very tempramental and causes us so many ups and downs, heartaches etc., some find it easy to accept and move on very quickly, others find it very very hard.

I hope that you can find your inner peace that allows you to acept the fact that he is no longer here, but safe elsewhere, being looked after.

Thinking of you.

[Pronkertjie]

Dear New Beginning....

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I so understand what you are going through. I lost two brothers while abroad - in both situation it wasn't possible for me to go home. I remembered that my first visits to my sisters-in-law we talked non-stop about me brothers and we cried for the first 3 days. Saying goodbye is not something you can practice and get good at. This happened a few years back, but I still want to call them and hear them laugh or crack their funny jokes.

My prayers is that the Lord will still your heart and that you will be able to move forward with positive and precious memories. Plant a tree in your garden in his honour and see new life comes from it

Continue to process with us when you feel like it.

Sterkte and blessings :hug:

[New Beginning]

Thank you to everyone who has replied - it sure does help to hear how others are are coping (or not) and the wonderful advice. I really appreciate it.

[Tania]

Very useful thread - thanks for all replies, and good luck for all affected. Please keep it going?