Teenager in a 6 year old body

[gwasi]

Does anyone have the same problem as me?

When we were kids thats what we were. We didn't answer back, didn't claim to be the best or know it all.

my 6 year old step child knows it all, answers back, gets into serious strops, tantrums etc. It's like living with a teenager. Its not only with me she's like this with her father. she's with us 90% of the time and it feels as we have a 'I know everything, you know nothing'. She hates being corrected and disciplined. She hates it when it doesn't go her own way. I thought this sort of thing only hit when they became teenagers. Fashion conscious (spelling) wanting make up, insisting that the music be to her liking ..... loud, so consumer aware .... it frightens me. If she's like this now what will she be like at 13?

YOu tell her not to run and eat but the answer you get is 'i know' so she carry on and then you she her choking. you tell her not to run with glass in hand reply ' i know' carries on doing it and then band aids have to come out.the list goes on. everything is 'I know', but carries on doing it anyway. I know they need to learn and get hurt but she seems to enjoy pushing to the limit.

whether it be because of the divorce i don't know, but seeing others of the same age i think it's more to do with growing up too quick

[Venus]

Divorce/seperation/new marriages are huge stress factors for children. You say that she is with you 90% of the time, which means she is probably missing her mom. At her age, she does not know how to communicate her feelings properly so her stress will come out in other forms. Child Alert (click for link) has some good advice & click here for some more good advice.

However, that being said, she sounds like a pretty normal child. Just love her & let her know that you are there for her.

[dudette]

It seems to me as if it is related to not having her mother around.

She sounds like a strong-willed little lady, with clear ideas of what she wants and how, and I am sure she will get far in life.This web page might be of help to you.
Nevertheless, as an immature child she does not have the benefit of experience you as an adult have, and while a certain amount of resentment to a new member of the family is natural, I think it is important that one expects respect for all members of the family.

I found this article on being a stepmother Which you might find helpful.

[Venus]

gwasi, I thought about your thread last night. My father remarried about 7 years ago. My parents got divorced after 34 years of marriage. I thought I'd give you some insight as to how I, as an adult who doesn't have to live with my step-mother, feel about this. If I feel this way, I can only imagine how more so a child must feel. Hopefully, it will help you to know how your step-daughter may be feeling. I must stress that despite me feeling all below, my step-mother is a very nice person & makes my Dad very happy. However, it doesn't change these emotions.

• I resent having to share my Dad with another woman who is not my biological mother.
  
• I resent having to have a "stranger" share in previously exclusive family holidays/outings/crises/celebrations.
  
• I resent that my father found someone else to replace my mother.
  
• I resent that my father puts my step-mother's happiness before my own.
  
• I resent seeing my step-mother using things in the household that once belonged to my mother.
  
• I'm saddened that all family celebrations are now an emotional strain due to my parents' divorce & addition of a step-parent.
  

[kimbo]

My parents divorced when I was 8 (now in my late 30's).

Although I never got on with my step dad, I was never rude or disrespectful. My sister and I were always polite and certainly didn't make demands or speak rudely to him.

My dad remarried too and my step mom (now ex step mom!!) and I remain very good friends to this day. In fact, she flew to join us in the UK for xmas, even though my half sister (her daughter) is in SA!

Once again, we never disrepected or were rude to her. Although there may have been a few times I resented her. However, she never ever tried to replace my mom. Never insisted on us calling her mom and always remained interested in what we did.

Today we have an excellent friendship. :thumbs:

So, perhaps you should try that type of approach. Insist on respect and general, socially acceptable behaviour, do not tolerate rudeness etc, but, be there for her and pay interest in her interests and try build a relationship.

[Jen]

Dear Gwasi,
It must be awful to have that constant tension in the house.. like walking on eggshells.

I don't know much about raising kids, but it sounds to me like she's a very insecure little girl who's trying to compensate by being 'ok', in control, in charge.. or else she'd fall apart. She's apparently trying to keep you at arm's length, as a hug would reveal all her pain. Maybe she's crying out for discipline??? Insecure kids usually try all kinds of bad behaviour just to get that bit of discipline that tells them we really care about their well-being..
perhaps I'm being idealist.

May you have much grace and wisdom.. and it's great to have people to talk to about it and other resources like websites etc. Quite a challenge though to find the right advice!

Sterkte, love, Jen.

ok:

[gwasi]

Thanks guys.

Kimbo, she does not call me mom and its up to her if she wants to when she feels she's ready. She gets plenty of hugs and we are involved with her all the time. OK so I'm not allowed to go to birthdays, concerts etc due to her mother and this does confuse her. She doesn't understand why and her dad things she still too young to know the real reasons why the divorce happened (not my doing).

Venus, my mother also has someone new but I don't begrudge him at all. He's a great man and makes my mother happy. I think that is the important factor, as long as they are happy. It's not easy and it does take time to adjust but i'm glad she has someone who treats her respect and loves her for who she is. I'm sorry it couldn't be that way with you and you dads partner.

Jen, She loves to be in control all the time but relishes it when we tell her its time for bed. She has got used to set times and a routine. She asks to if she can her pyjamas on and can she go to bed, she still have a bit of trouble with teeth brushing. Whereas with her mother she can get away with most things, bed at 11.30pm is the norm there. going to the pub with them, which is not right for a child - they need their sleep

She is a happy child but she knows how to push buttons, mine especially. Having said that I do love her and it hurts when she treats me like dirt, but if i've had a bad day she'll come up and give me a huge hug and kiss. She might be a little mixed up. :confused:

Thanks for helping me see that underneath it all she's just a small child who wants love and acceptance. I think, as adults, we tend to forget this.

[Pronkertjie]

Sterkte gwasi.

I have a Saffer friend who is the head of a pre-school near by. She always tells me that the kids doesn't know what they need and clear boundries should be set for them. They feel much safer and secure. She is a fantastic teacher and had the best inspection report in our County. She feels there is too much negotiation going on today, instead of having clearer boundries.

Love always wins.... might be a few years down the lane, but it is by far your best bet. In whatever you do, let love be the golden thread that goes through it all..... and there is such a thing as tough love at times.

[Pampered]

My parents divorced when I was 8 (now in my late 30's).

Although I never got on with my step dad, I was never rude or disrespectful. My sister and I were always polite and certainly didn't make demands or speak rudely to him.

My dad remarried too and my step mom (now ex step mom!!) and I remain very good friends to this day. In fact, she flew to join us in the UK for xmas, even though my half sister (her daughter) is in SA!

Once again, we never disrepected or were rude to her. Although there may have been a few times I resented her. However, she never ever tried to replace my mom. Never insisted on us calling her mom and always remained interested in what we did.

Today we have an excellent friendship. :thumbs:

So, perhaps you should try that type of approach. Insist on respect and general, socially acceptable behaviour, do not tolerate rudeness etc, but, be there for her and pay interest in her interests and try build a relationship.

My relationship with my stepmother is similar... Although when my father married her just 7 days after his divorce with my mother came through, it managed to taint our relationship with her for some time.

We were ALWYS 100% respectful of her, despite privately being annoyed at times with her odd behaviour - my mother and her were chalk and cheese, and we were not used to her at all.

She never, ever tried to replace my mother, and for that, as well as keeping my father happy, I have always respected her!!